.so

-Where did we leave off? 
Oh yeah, that's right, I seem to remember now.

I thought that growing up would take place one day at a time, but it doesn't. You wake up and feel displaced in your own life; and then it happens. The feeling of something closing in fast, catching up to you. It hits you with such a force that you reel back in surprise.

-Well then.

I feel like everything is where it's supposed to be. The challenges before me I enjoy, but somehow I still end up with enough time to wander back here. At one point I became a master at the art of killing time. You read a book enough times, you wander the city over and over, listen to those around you and their complaints. Before you know it you're a pro. Make your life fit the big picture in your head. Yet the seconds slip through, they pile up, and here we are.

-Attenshun! 

Now, life is fuller, simpler but simultaneously more complex. Maybe I'm just full of shit, deluding myself into thinking like this. I lay awake and felt that I was dreaming. I slept and felt the world move around me. Foolishly, I went looking for traces of you, and found them.

-Fucking productive.

This'll do for now,
Goodnight.

.tough

If it's possible to move forward while standing still, then I've put that principle into practice.
I feel like the cliché career criminal, returning to the scene of the crime.
 
When you're living in the moment it becomes easy to justify hammering a stake into the ground, but when the moment is gone and you move forward, you can only hope that the rope that binds you breaks cleanly and you can float on.
So what, do you sit around enjoying the company of all your demons?
Maybe, bow down and submit to the fact that your life is only lived when at the mercy of someone else?

Bullshit.

You are only worth what you can bring to the table, what can you offer. Then, it would be foolish not to put you first on the list. If you haven't been able to tend to yourself can you honestly expect to care for anyone else?

Accepting that, you have to also accept that it is unfair to judge the worth of someone until the moment they have died. 

So, yeah...

I mean, it's not all bad.
It's mostly a matter of perspective, you spend your days looking up at the sky and it's easy not to see your ankles buried in shit. As long as you make sure that when the times comes to move forward, you have the strength to shovel it.

.regress

I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel.

I want no sleep, for fear of the images that haunt me in my dreams.
These thoughts that in the waking hours of my day I push back.

Bury them beneath whatever else occupies me until at night I am at rest again.

They grow limbs and crawl out to remind me of everything I am fighting so hard to hide away. The feelings of regret and the pain associated with them. The weakness and despair permeating every thought, every word and subtly every action.

I don't always win the fight and sometimes I give in to the vivid images of what these feelings stem from.

The curve of her hips.
The nape of her neck.
The smell of her hair.
The taste of her lips.
The feel of her skin against mine.
The way she looked into my eyes.

Her eyes.

They had a way of looking into your soul, piercing deep beneath every defense you put up. These are the images that wish to haunt the waking hours of my life and fleeting minutes of my dreams.

The wave pounds against my chest until I lose my breath; I feel my heart skip its beat and the darkness coming on. When I come to, I lie to myself again.

I’ve won this time, but I should know better than that.

They arrive when I least expect them, always undesired but ever efficient. These thoughts, these feelings and memories that know just where to inflict the most pain. They sit and watch until I am at my most vulnerable and intrude into my life with the grace and subtlety of a bolt of lightning. I reel back with resolve. Feeling confident that this will be the last time they will get the better of me, the last sharp breath, the last errant tear.

I know better.

Your only hope is to move forward ever faster, to keep ahead of the wave. Until the past grows distant and forgotten, a reminder of the road you have walked to get to where you are and nothing more. These memories that haunt you nothing but a speck on the horizon you leave behind, rushing into the future that awaits. Open armed and eager you leap forward without looking. You dare not wait.

The wave is catching up.

.fresh start

I woke up this morning with a heavy weight on my chest. It was the most intense feeling of loss and regret I have ever felt. I feel alone but know that I am in company, scared but know there is nothing to fear. Last night I decided on a clean break from everything in my past but in light of how I feel this morning maybe that's not a good idea.

I can't forget everything from my past because it is the reason I am here today. I've caused a great deal of hurt and misery in my life. In no small way, the reason seems to be that I was never honest with myself and what I really wanted. I went forward on impulse, misguided by an idea rather than what was actually before me. I lied to myself about what I could or could not accept and moved forward on the intent of pleasing others rather than pleasing myself. When I would snap out of it for a brief moment I would act on impulse and out of pent up desperation, but I never did it with regard for the person I was with. I would change my tune and forget my previous decisions, jumping ship rather than living through my choices. This is the mark of an immature man.

Every time I sit and think of the past I wince at the thought of the bad things I have done. Until recently I've had no point of reference for the pain I caused. I did have the things I've done to others happen to me, but it never felt the same as what I had done. It does now, because I see myself feeling the same things I made those around me feel, but I am still stuck. I haven't yet forgiven myself even thought it seems that most of those around me I've hurt have already done so. I am my own roadblock.

I know what I want but the things required scare me. I'm afraid of the process because I doubt myself and freeze on the possibility of failure, rather than entertain the idea of success. In this way I fail before starting and wallow in self-pity until I reach such a depth that the smallest amount of attention or success makes me feel accomplished and therefore I never strive for the things I had envisioned from the start.

These thoughts have to be committed to writing. In this way I can let them go and hopefully move forward. With placing them here I hope that if I ever need them again, I can find them here rather than carrying them around with me.

I so desperately want to commit to something and pour myself into it but in some ways that may not be the best idea. I have nothing in me to offer and before I fix that I am doomed to fail. I have to try to get over myself and this is the hardest thing for me to do.

Clinging to the past has done me more harm than good. It's hurt those around me and left me in the same position I had started in. I've hurt the one person who tried to fix me because I never took her words seriously. I wasted that opportunity many times for the same reason that I wasted everything else. It's impossible for me to move forward if I am unwilling to to take the advice I asked for.

I feel like I can get on with the day at this point so I will write later.