.fresh start

I woke up this morning with a heavy weight on my chest. It was the most intense feeling of loss and regret I have ever felt. I feel alone but know that I am in company, scared but know there is nothing to fear. Last night I decided on a clean break from everything in my past but in light of how I feel this morning maybe that's not a good idea.

I can't forget everything from my past because it is the reason I am here today. I've caused a great deal of hurt and misery in my life. In no small way, the reason seems to be that I was never honest with myself and what I really wanted. I went forward on impulse, misguided by an idea rather than what was actually before me. I lied to myself about what I could or could not accept and moved forward on the intent of pleasing others rather than pleasing myself. When I would snap out of it for a brief moment I would act on impulse and out of pent up desperation, but I never did it with regard for the person I was with. I would change my tune and forget my previous decisions, jumping ship rather than living through my choices. This is the mark of an immature man.

Every time I sit and think of the past I wince at the thought of the bad things I have done. Until recently I've had no point of reference for the pain I caused. I did have the things I've done to others happen to me, but it never felt the same as what I had done. It does now, because I see myself feeling the same things I made those around me feel, but I am still stuck. I haven't yet forgiven myself even thought it seems that most of those around me I've hurt have already done so. I am my own roadblock.

I know what I want but the things required scare me. I'm afraid of the process because I doubt myself and freeze on the possibility of failure, rather than entertain the idea of success. In this way I fail before starting and wallow in self-pity until I reach such a depth that the smallest amount of attention or success makes me feel accomplished and therefore I never strive for the things I had envisioned from the start.

These thoughts have to be committed to writing. In this way I can let them go and hopefully move forward. With placing them here I hope that if I ever need them again, I can find them here rather than carrying them around with me.

I so desperately want to commit to something and pour myself into it but in some ways that may not be the best idea. I have nothing in me to offer and before I fix that I am doomed to fail. I have to try to get over myself and this is the hardest thing for me to do.

Clinging to the past has done me more harm than good. It's hurt those around me and left me in the same position I had started in. I've hurt the one person who tried to fix me because I never took her words seriously. I wasted that opportunity many times for the same reason that I wasted everything else. It's impossible for me to move forward if I am unwilling to to take the advice I asked for.

I feel like I can get on with the day at this point so I will write later.